Hatsu and Lolo's Amazing Twilight Parody: Bella Swan, Vampire Hunter
by Hatsu and Lolo
Summary: An epic, poorly-written rewrite of the series, in which the romance between the star-crossed lovers is slow to start and vastly different from the original! Bella gets increasingly more violent as the series goes on! Jacob is a hippie! The Cullens actually drink human blood! Romeo and Juliet is kind-of relevant! What shall happen to our heroes? Only time, and updates, will tell!


Bella moves to Forks because her mother is emotionally unstable and kind of insane and Bella is relieved to have her mom's new husband to take care of her. Her father had driven down to pick her up since her mother was in an insane asylum.

So Bella starts school in Forks, Washington. She is shunned by the popular crowd because nobody likes a quiet, creepy new kid and hangs out with Angela and her friends until she meets Edward Cullen.

In the Hatsu and Lolo 'verse, the Cullens do drink human blood because that shit's fucking cool. Red eyes and junk.

She finds it fucking creepy that his eyes are blood-red and immediately asked him about it. Edward shrugged it off stating he had a rare condition. Bella didn't buy it. She immediately dislikes him because he's an annoying jerkwagon, but they both develop an interest in each other. Not an entirely healthy interest, either.

One day, Edward pulled her aside to tell her his feelings for her.

It basically went like this:

"Bella, you are the first human that I actually don't want to suck the blood out of. I mean, I do, because you smell so delicious, but... that's not the point..."

Bella wasn't sure how to take that confession, slightly baffled.

All of this is after he saves her from getting run over by the van and she does her research, of course. He confesses after saving her from the rapists in that one town. You know, after he stalked her there.

Curious, but not altogether certain she truly likes him, Bella agrees to give dating a try and meet his family.

Edward had picked her up at her place. After having to deal with Charlie, the lovely couple that would create a world-wide phenomenon left.

As they drove, Edward warned Bella about his family. He let her know that they were blood-thirsty like himself and to stay by his side. Naturally, she agrees, because who the hell wants to die...

They arrive at his house. The family greets her warmly enough, but she remains wary of them, with good reason. Jasper and Rosalie are eyeing her...

Edward takes her up to his room.

She stares at the bed then glanced over at him, "You sleep?"

"It's for decoration."

She then saw the bagpipes in the corner of his room. She didn't know Edward played the bagpipes. Honestly, this was the last instrument she expected of him to play...

In any case, maybe he was more than just a bloodsucking monster. Maybe, just maybe, he had some hidden depths.

It was then that she came to the conclusion that there was more that she wanted to know. She already knew about him being a vampire, but other than that, the only thing Bella knew about him was that he played the bagpipes and sat next to her in one of her classes.

She asks him about himself, and while he does tell her about his mindreading, he otherwise dodges the question, as he is very prone to doing. But, he does reveal that he sneaks into her room to watch her sleep. Bella is furious and calls him out on being a fucking creeper before getting her shit together and leaving.

Edward rolled his eyes at her, and let her go.

When she finally made it to her home (on foot, no thanks to the Creeper of the Night), a man with dreadlocks was sitting on her porch, shirtless while strumming a guitar. It was Jacob, an acquaintance.

Not recognizing the man, she yelled, "Who the hell are you and why are you here?!"

And with that, she whipped out the pepper spray.

She sprayed the boy in the eyes. Shocked and in pain, he stumbled back yelling, "Dude, what's the deal?! I came with a message from my dad! He doesn't want you to hang out with the Cullens anymore!"

Bella narrowed her eyes. "I'm not hanging out with the Cullens. I've only been to their house once, and I learned Edward is some kind lustful stalker and just now left. How does your dad know about that already?"

Jacob couldn't think of a non-creepy response and instead turned into a wolf and took off into the forest.

Bella shrugged. She didn't know what that was all about, but it wasn't her business anyway.

She took his guitar he left then entered her home; she called for her father. She found him in the living room, watching football. Charlie flippantly informs that there was a series of murders goin' on in the forest and for her to be careful. "You still have that pepper spray, right?"

"No, I used it all."

"Well then," Charlie chewed on his lip, debating whether to question her response. Finally, he sighed and pulled out a bottle, "Here; don't lose it, Bell."  
Bella mumbled her thanks then left the room to head up to her bedroom where she was going to put wooden planks over her windows.

That night, Bella was woken by the sound of splintering wood. Edward was trying to sneak into her room again, the ass!

She shot out of bed, and pressed her body weight against the board, whispering "Edward, what the fuck?!"

"I'm not the Cullen guy!" she heard someone hiss.

Eh?!

"It's me, Jacob!"

Aw shit. It was the God damn werewolf boy. Breaking into her room. Naturally. What more should she expect in Washington State? After all, Washington was Bigfoot and UFO-central. Bella supposed she couldn't be surprised.

"What do you want, Jacob?" she hissed, pulled a revolver out from under her mattress.

"I really need to tell you! My dad thinks hanging out with the Cullens is a really bad idea! They're coldblooded vampires!"

"You don't say," Bella replied, voice dripping with sarcasm as she cocked the gun and aimed in the direction of the window. Just like Daddy taught me.

Jacob shrieked. "Okay! I said what I needed to say! I'll leave now!"

"Damn right you will."

She watched as he let go of the ledge and his body smacked the ground with a crack. Bella shouted down to him, "And stay out, fucker!"

He dragged his body across the lawn and off their property within a minute. She lifted the torn wood and frowned, disapprovingly. Well, she'll have to fix that before she left for school.

The next day, Edward invited her to watch his family play baseball. Bella agreed reluctantly, if only for the reason that she would have a solid metal bat for a weapon should things take a violent, bloodthirsty turn.

He took her to the field where his family was already chillaxen, practicing their swings. Emmet smirked, "You brought your human friend huh?"

Edward nodded.

"Dude, she can't do a thing!"

Bella silently flipped him off. Even she knew that she was no match to vampires. Besides, these guys were bloodthirsty.

Everyone knew that. Huffing, she plopped down on the bench and watched the game commence, calling people out for cheating at every opportunity.

The game went smoothly until some newcomers came onto the field. Bella noted their risqué clothing and red eyes. More vampires. Yippee.

They wouldn't get out of her life, would they?

Bella sighed heavily. "I'm just going to leave."

"No, stay," Edward insisted. "It's too late to get you off the field, even though the new guys haven't smelled you yet and, as superior vampires, we could run you away from here and get you away safely in less than ten seconds."

"I'm going to believe you even though you have given me every reason not to in the past," Bella replied.

Edward approved. So he gave her a hamburger.

Bella stared at the hamburger, incredulously, "I'm a vegetarian."

"Um."

"Yo!" the blond called over, "Name's James! I want that human that you guys are not eating! I mean, unless you're saving her for dinner."

"'_We'_ want." his girlfriend grumbled. They were in a rocky stage of their relationship. Laurent, the other guy, was the awkward Third Wheel. There really was no point for him to be there.

"No dude," Emmet said, "We're totally saving her for later. Sorry."

"Excuse me?!" Bella snapped.

Emmet gave her a hard stare, mouthing, "Work with me!"

Edward didn't pick the hint up, "We are not! Stay the hell away from her!"

James arched an eyebrow, amused, "You kidding?! If you're not gonna eat her then what use is she to you?!"

"Fanservice," Rosalie said flatly.  
Bella imagined wringing the blonde's neck and smiled. Stepping forward, she brandished the bat and grinned. "If anyone tries to eat me, I'll enjoy knocking their brains out their noses."

However, she didn't get a chance to exact her vengeance, as at that moment Edward grabbed her and whisked her away from the field.

When the vampire felt that they were a comfortable distance away, he slowed to a stop, "Bella, are you okay?! Where's your hamburger?!"

"You son of a bitch!" she held up her metal bat, anger flaring in her eyes. She slammed the bat down against his thick skull which left a dent in the weapon. Bella gaped.

Edward just sighed. "There's no choice. We're going to have to take you all the way across the country to hide from this sicko instead of just luring him to you and fighting him head-on."

"Sicko? Says the guy who sneaks into girls' rooms to watch them sleep."

"It's a working-progress!"

"Look, how about you just-"

Edward stomped his foot, stubbornly, "But, Bella, it's for your safety!"

"Take me home."

"Okay. I'll take you home to Arizona."

"Wha- No!"

He threw her over his shoulder, racing them down to the airport. The whole time, she screamed, pounding his back out of frustration.

"I'm going to sue you for kidnapping!"

"You won't be able to if that guy kills you until you're dead!"

They were standing in line for last-minute plane tickets; Edward had a firm grasp on her wrist so that she couldn't escape. When they reached the front of the line, Bella opened her mouth to inform the man that she was being taken against her will but couldn't because Edward had stuffed a dinner roll in her mouth.

He seemed to have conjured it out of nowhere.

The ticket man gave her one glance and said flatly, "Please dispose of the food before you get on the plane, miss..."

Bella stiffly nodded, a sour expression on her face. Once the tickets were purchased and Bella had swallowed her food, she glowered, "Jerk."

"It's for your own safety," Edward replied smoothly.

"I'm going to stab you through the heart with a stake. It's for your own safety. And also for the safety of future innocent girls you may decide to kidnap."

"Don't threaten people with bodily harm while you're in an airport. The authorities don't like that."

"You know what else the authorities don't like?" Bella humored. She bitterly said, "Kidnapping. They frown upon that."

"Oh, would you look at that. It's time to board!"

Since our protagonist and vampire didn't have much on them; Getting through security was quick and easy. Edward simply used his god-given Sue powers to dazzle the male security officer into letting them on the plane without a hassle.

They took their respective seats, ready to go to Arizona. Well, Edward was. It was too late for Bella to run away, for the plane was taking off.

She looked out the window and thought, "I wonder if a fall from this height would kill me." Then, "It's a good thing my stalker can't read my mind."

Speaking of the devil, he was watching her, intensely. She was really tired of him. How'd they meet again? Oh. Right. School. And then shit started getting crazy.

Eventually, they did arrive in Arizona.

It was sunny out, and Edward was not a happy camper. He didn't want people to see him sparkle.

Irritated, Bella snapped, "Man up, sparkles."

'Sparkles' glared at her, offended by the nickname.

Bella rolled her eyes. "You think you're fooling anyone? It's obvious a unicorn vomited on you or something."

"Let's just go to your house..."

They grabbed a taxi then made it to the Swans residence within twenty minutes. When they entered the home, the vampire glanced around, "It's empty..."

"Yeah, my mom's at the hospital." Bella shrugged.

"She's... alright?" Edward asked, concerned.

"Batshit crazy."

"Umm..."

"Not like it's any of your business anyway. I'm surprised you didn't already know that, with your creeping around and all."

"Alright." Edward coughed, feeling awkward, "Alice will be here soon..."

"You're bringing your freaky psychic sister?!"

"Well, yeah. Her boyfriend too."

"...why, exactly?"

Shrugging, Edward replied, "Just because."

If Bella could strangle that man, she most certainly would, but since she lacked things that would actually hurt him, she was stuck. Unless she could snap his head off then burn him. Hmm. Makes a girl wonder.

"This for my own safety?!" she growled.

"Yeah." he replied, curtly. His eyes widened in realization, "Oh yeah, you don't know how I turned into a vampire!"

"You were bitten."

Edward glared at the brunette, "My backstory, I mean."

"You were bitten."

"Hey!" He pouted. "Would you just listen?"

"That's pretty much all the backstory I need, honestly."

"But because I love you suddenly and with no apparent or logical reason, I feel that you have to know what happened!" Edward flailed.

"Hit by a truck and Carlisle saved you, because he needed you for slave labor." Bella replied, dryly.

"Wh-what?! How-"

"Carlisle."

"W-Well..." He cleared his throat. "Yes, Carlisle. But I was not hit by a truck!"

"...Huh." Bella kind of wished he had been. "Then what?"

"I was sick with Spanish influenza a hundred years ago," he declared proudly, "And Carlisle bit me to let me live."

"Laaaaaaame," she breathed. She noticed he left out the slave labor part. Was Carlisle lying about that? She added, "Then Carlisle used you for slave labor?"

"No!"

"That is the most uninteresting story of vampirism I've ever heard."

"What did you expect?!"

"You going on a bloodthirsty rampage with Carlisle," she deadpanned.

"Shut up."

"Whatever. Let's just go." They made their way to Bella's empty, boarded-up house where, surprisingly, Alice and Jasper were already waiting.

"Hiii!" Alice waved to the girl.

"Oh, great." Bella grumbled, "I am tired of you vampires..."

"She doesn't mean that!" Edward shouted when he saw the menacing looks on Jasper and Alice.

"Yes I do," Bella replied. "Let's get this over with."

"James is coming for you."

"What about his girlfriend and third wheel?" Bella asked.

"Laurent was killed by the mutt." Alice responded.

"...alright."

That was quick. Shouldn't that have been done like, the next book or something? Besides...

_Jacob, you idiot,_ Bella thought, _you killed the wrong one._

She sighed, "I'm going to now stupidly set up a rendezvous with James at my old dance studio."

"We are going to have a stupid lapse of judgment and not prevent you from going, even though it's been established that I can see the future and we are, again, ridiculously strong vampires," Alice announced in response.

And so that's what happened.

Bella now stood outside the entrance of her dance studio, starting to reconsider the plan. She made sure her gun and pepper spray were in place before entering the studio.

James was, of course, already there. He turned to speak and didn't even get two words out before Bella emptied eighteen rounds of ammunition into his skull.

Naturally, being a vampire, he didn't die. He was still pretty peeved, though.

"Dude, not cool!"

"You're here to kill me, you sonovabitch!" She reloaded her weapon.

"Wait! You didn't even get to see the movie of you doing ballet that I somehow retrieved!" James shouted.

"What?!"

"Yeah, I broke into your house and-"

Bella fired a few more rounds. Just for good measure.

James was pissed. He charged at her, only to receive a faceful of pepper spray. He stumbled back, howling in pain. Bella took advantage of the distraction to demonstrate her nard-kicking ability.

Unfortunately for her, he grabbed her leg, mid-kick and bit her calf.

Bella gasped, holding her bleeding leg and screaming out in agony as the poison surged through her veins.

"You bit my leg?!"

James shrugged. "It was the only appendage that was readily available."

"But in the books, you bit my wrist!"

The vampire scoffed. "I think it's been established that we're not exactly in Kansas here, Dorothy."

Bella managed to seethe, "My... name's... not... Dorothy...!"

James took a step forward, right onto her leg. He looked down at her, "Yeah? And what are you going to-"

A wild Edward Cullen appears!

A wild Edward Cullen has used tackle!

He collided with James like a wall of bricks and the two of them flew back onto the floor, skidding into the wall and leaving a massive indent.

Meanwhile Bella was in pain, and none of the Cullens that had appeared bothered to check on her. Jasper actually was the only one who had taken a glance at her; Unfortunately, he looked hungry for her blood.

Alrighty then.

Well, maybe she could take advantage of this. "Hey Jasper! Come suck my blood and, by extension, the venom in my leg!"

He stood there, awkwardly, looking as if he were having a mental debate with himself. To suck or not to suck... that is the question. Either way, she'll likely die.

And so that the authoress' can stay somewhat true to the book, Jasper shook his head. But for the sake of keeping in character, Jasper sped over to her, and had his teeth in her leg within a second.

Bella screamed in pain, but she also added in a few swear words and "MAKE UP YOUR MIND ONCE, DUMBASS!"

Edward heard the damsel's cry, turning to look in her direction. He stopped beating the shit out of James to shove Jasper aside so that he can be the true hero. Carlisle fist pumped then instructed for Alice to rip James' head off like a boss.

Edward took over the venom sucking while Jasper got control of himself and grabbed random cans of gasoline, preparing to burn the building down.

Carlisle left Emmet in charge to be with Edward, "Edward, you need to stop!"

Dramatic tension!

The vampire couldn't... her blood was so... good! However, he eventually did stop when Bella kicked him in the face. She was kind of bummed that he couldn't bleed; that would show 'im.

Now to see that bastard James die! She searched for him, but her vision was failing her, becoming blurrier and blurrier.

"Edward... you son of..." she murmured.

"Bella! Will you go to the dance with me?" were the last words she heard before losing consciousness.

She woke up in a hospital, and that made no sense due to the fact that she wasn't beaten to a bloody pulp previously.

She blinked, intaking her surroundings. There was Edward, chillaxen at the front doorway.

"Why am I here?"

"That doesn't matter now," Edward replied, "I need your answer, Bella."

"What?"

"Will you go to the dance with me?"

Bella stared with a dude-ur-so-retarded look. "Really? You stalk me and kidnap and put my life in danger and you expect me to go to a dance with you?!"

He grinned and flashed a thumbs-up. "Yep!"

Bella grabbed a chair from her bedside and chucked it across the room. It narrowly missed the vampire's thick skull.

"Whoa, there!" Edward gave her a look of disbelief, "You almost hit me."

"That was the point." she growled to him.

"But you should go and have a social life!"

"On one condition..." Bella sighed. Her mind was to the thought of being immortal and beating people up. Yeah, that's the life. A gangster vampire.

"Yeah?"

"I want to become a vampire."

Edward's jaw dropped, "Le gasp!"

**A/N:**

**End of Book 1.**

**It's Hatsu here! Lolo and I were bored one night after she saw the last movie and…well. It's just a little parody. I don't really care for the series in one way or another, and I think it's a sort of guilty pleasure thing for Lolo. **

**Like I said, it's just a parody. Don't read if you can't take a little light ribbing :P**

**But hey, what the hell? If you hated this for whatever reason, we want to hear it, if only for the endless amounts of lulz. All reviews are encouraged!**

**Thank you for reading~**


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